A Harsh Warning Letter To Uhuru From A Village Kisii Banana Peddler

Dear Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta,

Uhuru yaa amaiga ayio. My name is Alberto aka The Kisii Banana Peddler. I hope this letter finds you in excellent fettle. Sincerely speaking, you have not advanced me any cogent reason as to why I should re-elect you as president. Boss, when you tactically and technically took over power, I thought you would minimize kamnyweso and serve Kenyans. My friend, instead of delivering what you promised Kenyans, you have destroyed all institutions in this country. The only institution you have not messed is the Kenyatta family. Ochaga enyamokirimbi egouchananie. (May God judge you)

“Young man” I don’t know whether to clap for you or slap you. Boss, are you not that same bloke that vowed to put up five gigantic international football stadiums countrywide? How many are complete so far? Yaa masombe, (comrade) you told Kenyans you would have their pathetic roads improved, hence motorable. How many Kilometres have you improved to bitumen standard? Toorokie ango. (Show us) Comrade, you pledged to create more than 1million jobs every year but even the blind can see that the contrary is the truth. I am reliably informed that ever the few you created you gave to your tribesmen/women.

Former German leader Adolf Hitler once said, “Sooner will a camel pass through the needle’s eye than a greater man be discovered by an election” Yaa mansamu, (My brother) based on how you have oppressed, subjugated demoralized and browbeaten the youth of this country, based on how your government has raped our constitution, based on how your girlfriend has heisted the NYS funds meant for the poor youth of this country, based on how your sister has masqueraded as disabled to rob the healthcare funds, I can ascertain that Hitler was predicting your leadership. Amakembi otebererete (You have forgotten us the youth)

Moisia yaa (my big bro) before you sing me that boring re-election song, tell me what is the condition of our hospitals and educational institutions in both quality and quantity? Mr. President, I have always argued that we Kenyans don’t need adverts to know a leader who has truly served us. Bwanche tibwancha, Gusii yonsi mbogere torochie (Only Kenyans will decide when the time comes)

Before you declare, it’ll do you a lot of good to show us verifiable achievements of the last four years upon which you wish to seek re-election rather than the “Raila-this-Raila-that” cosmetics you parade in the media and across the country. What is your record on development, justice and social engineering? Before you tell me how Raila is evil, do you think you have ruled progressively or retrogressively? Don’t tell me about the rural electrification project because it is fully funded by World Bank. Yaa Nyangaresi obwenerete kobwaterwa omosira okorusie aroro twebe gwatonyarire. (A few people from my village seem to have trust in you)

Mr. President, if you are candid enough, tell Kenyans how the nation has fared so far in the fight against corruption. Show us any big thief that you sent to jail for corruption related crimes. Ekebago eke obwenerete kobwaterwa chinyimbo yaa. (Seeing is believing)

Had I the powers, I would try you in ICC for economic crimes against humanity. Too bad, I am just a Banana Peddling riffraff from Chinche village, Gesangero Sublocation, Monyerero Ward, Kitutu Chache North (KCN) the County of Kisii.

You see ebarimo eye yaa (Mutongoria), with the current unprecedented level of unemployment, high level of insecurity, dwindling revenue to counties, poor educational facilities that birth half-baked professionals, regular pesky power supply, biting poverty and social collapse, you don’t deserve a second term in office. The only thing I can assure you is that redemptive strides by the opposition are promising and when the right time comes, Kenyans will decide for change. Ochi gosibera ekegara ekio bwanchete gochia aria seino Gatundu, (They’ll surely send you to Gatundu)

Boss, we gave you time to either take responsibility or take a seat but you elected to play the ostrich on Kenyans and settled for the latter. Remember Kenyans will never confuse movement with action. As things are, your leadership is in irredeemable quagmire. Let me doubtlessly inform you that your arrow-head parrots like Aden Duale, Kipchumba Murkomen and Kimani Ichungwa are no longer respectable based on their ability to dramatize imaginary achievements on radio, television and newspapers, Ayio namachwati bosa abwenerete koria emete. (Those are just political idlers with little or no influence)

I hope and pray that despite the unpardonable flops defining the character of your outgoing administration, you’ll put the country above your selfish interests and concede defeat. That way, both history and the new administration shall be lenient with you. Simbiri yaa ngaki eye titori gochia gokira otosaere koru emetwe igoro. Baba bori egekoba tiga kebe. Onye mbobe, mbobe. (We shall ensure we have free, fair and credible elections)

When you took over at the helm of affairs, our debt profile stood at Ksh245billion. No sooner had you surrounded yourself with thugs who only care about stomach infrastructures, than our debt profile shot to Ksh3.5trillion. You should be able to tell Kenyans what is responsible for this, despite the parlous state of our economy and dearth of infrastructure across the country. So, what is responsible for the penchant for external borrowing when there are no concrete projects on the ground to show for it? My friend, is your head functioning properly? We need an explanation. Mwasakoire igo ko timori goisaneka, ochaga bibatokere. (Show us the projects funded by the money we borrow as a country)

Mr. Kenyatta, let us get this straight, why the flurry of dirty deals ahead of the 2017 elections? I have told you times without number to eschew from creating electoral rules that are favorable to only you. Why play dirty games on the lives of innocent Kenyans? Why are you lackadaisical on hurrying up the process of sending home the current Interim Independent and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) thugs masquerading as commissioners? Why are they are those idiots still operating illegally as if it is business as usual? Why are they committing sundry electoral offences like tendering under your watch and you have the temerity to keep mum as if all is well? Why do we have a document called the constitution? Kenyambi raundi eye titori gochi goseka, unless titwachiete bware entuko togakebwa, togatererwa Oyo’oh! (Only the truth shall assoil you)

You see, I see people praising Ghanian electoral system. You know, Ghana has the best electoral polity in Africa. The recently concluded Presidential Election buttresses my above remark. Ghana should not be blamed for enforcing and respecting their rules. They should not be excoriated for running a better system where everybody is equal before the law. They were vigilant and acted smartly. We ought to emulate them. Kona kwebanga na mokao morwe igabu State House etaramoka. (We shall ensure you vacate that house at the Hill – State House)

Again Mr. President, we are deceived that our economy is the largest in East and Central Africa. Why then do we seek to buy BVR kits through third parties and worse still, in the black market? We have disrespected ourselves, therefore we don’t qualify to demand respect from others. Baba bori onye kegokurerana tiga ekurerane. Abaisi ababe ntori gochia goisaranserwa buna ebingwerere tokire. (We shall not go to sleep until justice is served)

Nare gokora ngoteba iga aye yaa Nyangaresi, Mochiemo, Makombe, Onchimbo gose Ohuru (In conclusion my bro Uhuru) it is unfortunate that today we are saddled with your inept and clueless administration with a penchant for things absurd. But Mr. President, Kenyans are no fools after all. When the time comes, the electorate will unequivocally reject you at the polls as a sure payback for your deceit and crass ineptitude in government in the last 4 years.

My friend, you better start packing because your next bottle of Guinness will be opened in Gatundu. Narakoreire abwo ase bono. #TukoBarMoja

Sincerely yours,

The Kisii Banana Peddler – GOD BLESS KENYA